I look at my reflection in the mirror and I wonder why I am the person I am. I care too much too fast about the wrong guy. Let me explain it like this, there is a guy that I see so much good in and I truly care about him deeply. In ways I have never cared about anyone else in my lifetime. And there are several problems with this. First, I have no idea where I stand in his eyes. He has never once told me he wants to be with me. But he has also never told me he doesn’t. And he knows how I feel about him. We have had that conversation a few times. Second, this guy is not a very nice guy on the outside. I have seen him open up and be a genuinely kind individual. But on the outside, he is a shallow, hurtful man. When he opens up, he is kind, loving and fun. I just wish I could see the fun guy I once saw. However, in the process, I set myself up for misery as it is very hard for me to stop loving him. But I do love him. It’s the only explanation. Right? He puts me down, flaunts in front of me, insults me, and has some offensive opinions of me. But I still want to be there for him. And it has been that way since I met him almost a year ago.
Wight when I met him, I had a sudden urge to know him. He was a stranger who sold me a pack of cigarettes. But I wanted immediately to be a part of his life with a feeling I can’t explain deep inside. We got to know each other during rough times and became better friends in the process.
Even though he can be awful to me, he is not an awful person. He makes me smile, he brings out the best in me, and helps me to feel genuinely happy. Which is something I have lacked for a while now. And I only lack it because I stress myself out so much. I try so hard to be good at my job and be a good family member and a good friend. More often than not, I feel like I fail in one of those points. But when I am around him, I don’t think about the stresses I put myself under. I feel good about myself.
The only reason I am venting right now, is because he really put me down today. Anyone who knows me knows there are three words I can not stand and they really hurt me deep. He used one of those words today. Twice. And I an so beyond hurt that he would have used the word. Considering we talked about it before. But I just wanted to explain this to give me a chance to let go of the emotion so I can have a better night and enjoy the company of my friends. I don’t like the sad me. So, here is to a positive night and let go of a long work week and prepare to kick off another.
It is very important to understand that he is not a bad guy. He just has two different sides. One is hurtful and one is not. After all, if he was a bad guy then I wouldn’t care about him in the same way I do.